Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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