Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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