Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
