I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
