when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
