Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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