Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
no you cant smoke seaweed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
