she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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