I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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