Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
