Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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