mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
