i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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