First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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