she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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