Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
