I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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