i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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