I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
