Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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