My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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