Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
