I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
