I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
