paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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