I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
