Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
