On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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