This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
