So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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