I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize