def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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