the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
