No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
