I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
