I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
sarcasm needs its own font
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
