i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
