I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
