You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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