I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I pour the whiskey from now on
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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