I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
