I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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