Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
