I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
