Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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