There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
