I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
