I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
