Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
