I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He passed out mid-signature
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
