I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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