Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
