Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
