My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
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adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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