Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
