Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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