he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we're so committed to being not committed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
